Last night I had an argument with my wife – she asked me what was on the TV and I said dust.
Lead me not into temptation – I can find the way myself.
A fool is a 25 story window-washer who steps back to admire his work.
It’s better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.
If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
A thing not worth doing isn’t worth doing well.
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
I said no to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.
I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re all right now.
A banker is someone who will lend you an umbrella when the sun is shining, and who asks for it back when it start to rain.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it’s two-tired.